Keeping It Real

Recently a client told me she hesitated working with a health coach for fear of judgement or that other people were perfect which hurt my heart to hear. Only from my own experience with distorted eating can I help others. So here is a quick summary inspired to share for her.

In the second grade everyone was weighed at school, I was 20 kilos. I was an average child but I thought it was too much and went on a diet at 7 years old. In primary school and high school I would regularly follow diet and exercise plans from adult women's magazines and insisted to be in charge of my family's groceries buying low fat everything (90's ugh). 

Also important to note regulating emotions and expressing how I feel did not come naturally to me, everyone has their own childhood trauma and I learned to avoid emotions and self sooth with food. Although never having been medically overweight my distorted eating and body image has, at times ruled my life. Fluctuating 5 kilos to me internally has felt like 50. 

Combine this with a career as a female DJ where (I felt) so much pressure and expectation was placed on how I looked. Events, photoshoots and constantly being photographed while playing from every angle, some photos where so unflattering (similar to athletes mid kick or dunk) posted on the internet fueling my body image dysmorphia. For years I would low to mid grade torture myself over exercising and restricting my food intake. The cause and effect meant I lost my period for four years. I was told my body was under such physical stress it didn't perceive the world as safe to bring a baby into. I also started using laxatives initially when I started travelling a lot then they became part of my daily routine for a year. I was in such denial I didn't think it was a problem and told no one. When my energy levels plummeted so low tests revealed my small intestine wasn't absorbing nutrients properly, caused by laxatives.

Having spent most of my life at war with my body yet loving all things nutrition, my heart was in the right place but my head was not. I was determined to solve the puzzle. Studying nutrition and eating psychology I learnt avoiding intense emotion by eating may feel like an initial relief but you miss the opportunity to feel the feeling for what it is, a message from yourself that something needs to be addressed. This was (and is ongoing) key to finding balance and took the emotional meaning out of food and into living. I've found beauty in surrendering and wanting the whole human experience, the good and bad because it is inevitable that we will have uncomfortable situations, avoiding feelings limits our ability to live freely and wholeheartedly.

There is no such thing as perfection, it’s the pressure and shame we put on ourselves striving for something that doesn’t exist. We never really know what internal battles are really going on for someone. I hope in sharing mine it might help de construct the fear of judgement in reaching out for help with food.

#keepitreal